Hello everyone! Today, I wanted to sit down for a nice chat and a coffee break with you!
I think overall the vibes I’m going for in April is optimism, acceptance, positivity, and forward-looking. I’m not sure if any of that makes sense to you but in my head it’s crystal clear. Also, for my coffee, I’m going with a medium roast blend from the Ethical Bean Coffee that’s in a green bag. It’s literally what I’m drinking now so that’s why.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that I’ve officially lost my mind. How do I know this? Well around March 12th I was thinking about names. Specifically, my name. I had already been thinking about it for awhile because it’s always been a sort of issue for me in a way. My name is Pamela, which I’m sure you guessed by my blog’s name. And that name has always led to being called Pam. Do I like either one of those? Not really. Pam is way too boring and I hate how it sounds, but I respond to it anyway because that’s what people call me anyway. Eventually I started insisting that I go by Pamela but everyone forgets and says Pam anyway (apparently I was quite aggressive about it at my former workplace and they regularly reminded me of that). But I maintained that Pam was like a childhood name and Pamela was my grown up name. But Pamela is so formal, and that didn’t really match me either. In fact, whenever someone asks my name I always do a weird hesitation and then say my name so awkwardly because it doesn’t feel right! For example, at Starbucks they’ll ask for my name (or they did when I went into the store, now it’s just drive-thru for me) and I’d stumble over my own name. They’d often ask me to repeat it because I literally would say it so awkward! Oh, I guess there is the nickname Pammy but only three people have ever really called me that in recent years. One is my grandfather who I adore and can call me whatever he wants honestly. The second is my sister who is the best sister in the world and can also call me whatever she wants. The third was a former coworker who I have mentioned on the blog in the past. He wasn’t really “allowed” to call me Pammy but he did anyway LOL. In retaliation I called him Johnny (his name is John). We don’t talk anymore now that we don’t work together but we he was a close work friend when we did, which is how he got away with calling me Pammy. Anyway, back to the point. I texted my friend (another former coworker) Erin complaining about my name and I was like “why can’t a nickname for Pamela be Ella? The end of my name is Ella, particularly when pronounced in Spanish so why can’t I be called Ella? I think it suits me much better than Pam or even Pamela.” Erin, who is the most supportive friend in the world of all my crazy ideas, said that when I eventually get a new job or meet new people to just tell them I go by Ella and try it out so I said I would. I still think it’s crazy because Pamela’s are always Pam’s but now I’m going to be Ella apparently! (Although I’m still going to go by Pamela/Pam to everyone who knew me before now and on the blog because rebranding everything to StarringElla would be insane.)
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that last month’s coffee chat was such a downer but so therapeutic for me. The winter was tough for me and getting all that off my chest was so, so helpful. March was a breath of fresh air for me. Even if there was not really any big change for me in March, just having spring weather was invigorating for me. Quite honestly I felt like February was a lost month for me, like my life was paused in a way and I couldn’t find a way to press play. But March, now that was a month that brought life back into me. And April is looking good too!
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that a friend recently sent me a TikTok about “what three tv shows would you pick if you could only ever watch three again” and it was basically like a girl saying I’ve been quarantined for a year, I literally have only watched three shows. It got me thinking what my three tv shows would be and automatically I knew Parks and Recreation was one. I adore that show! Right away my second was Gilmore Girls because I watched it for the first time in January/February and fell in love with it. The third was harder to pick. I at first thought Supernatural because I remember enjoying it back in my college years and has like 15 seasons so I could watch it for awhile but my sister and I talked recently about it. She said she tried rewatching it and it just didn’t hold up to how we remembered it. Plus when I think about rewatching it I was like “meh no thanks”. So I ruled it out and thought maybe Madam Secretary? I recently finished that one and also really enjoyed it. But I feel like I needed something more real so I settled on The Great British Baking Show to be the third because that show is magic.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that in the past two months since finishing my last rough draft of a novel, I’ve felt unsettled. I loved writing the novel I was working on and the one before that too, from November. I feel like when I was writing my book it felt right and I loved it, but I also feel like I can’t just go from writing one book to another like crazy. Or can I? Hmm, maybe I should try that. I do have a plethora of other ideas for novels and writing poetry isn’t really working out for me right now.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, what a joy it is to have my puppy niece around. After a tough winter, my spirits were lifted when my sister said she’d send my puppy niece for “spring break” at Camp Cuddles! I figured she might leave her here for a week but then my sister said she planned to leave her even longer, which I was thrilled by. There are pros and cons of course. Pros include that I get out more because I take her for walks or for grooming, I get puppy cuddles, and so much love! Cons include that she’s not very independent and hates my home office, so I can’t ever get anything done! But I prefer having a little dog around for snuggles. As I type I have her snuggled on my lap and it’s beautiful.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that a few friends and I were talking on our group chat recently and one of the topics that came up was Shakespeare because I mentioned I’d read a couple of his plays. I’d previously told my friends that I wanted to enjoy them and read them for fun but after bad experiences in high school reading the plays I was kinda annoyed by him LOL. After chatting about it we started talking about either seeing a play in person (me) or being in a play (my friends). Eventually I agreed that if there was an opportunity to be in a Shakespeare play I would take it LOL. I would like to be maybe like a fairy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream maybe or something small like that.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that I was recently reminiscing again about my past trips to Mexico. My dad recently learned how to watch YouTube through the Amazon Fire Stick that my sister and I got him for Christmas, and he somehow found travel vlogs! He was watching some of Oaxaca and Puerto Vallarta, so I got such an itch to travel again watching those too. Unfortunately, I’m still waiting on a vaccine though!
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, how my biggest “struggle” as of late has been planning my upcoming birthday. I’m turning 30 this May, and I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic I would have for sure booked a solo trip somewhere already with a nice, remote Airbnb or maybe a luxurious hotel stay or something. On top of that, I’m sure that I would have completely spoiled myself with multiple presents. Pre-pandemic and still employed me would have for sure dropped a few grand at least for this birthday. But current me is struggling to find a way to make it special. I want to do a trip, of course, but I’m putting it off until it makes more sense to do so. As in, I’ll be employed again and have been vaccinated and all that. And current me is trying to move away from the material stuff I would have otherwise bought myself. I looked up a few gift guides on Pinterest and while the idea of buying myself a Chanel handbag or maybe a whole Gucci outfit was exciting for a few minutes, I realized that I didn’t actually want or care for those items. I love books, but I get so many from the library that it doesn’t make sense to get more right now. I have video game consoles, more stuff than I would ever care for, I just don’t know what to do! The only thing I would enjoy would be a new laptop I think as this one is so old and laggy but honestly, it still works so I don’t care to get a new one if this one is still working. Honestly, this is such a first world problem but I just feel sad that I can’t seem to find a way to make my 30th a special day. Well, it will be special, it’s my 30th after all! I guess that current me is just being a baby and struggling with the changed perspectives I’ve experienced this past year with the expectations that past me set.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that I’d like to provide an update to my goal of live with intention. This will be the last month for this as the official yearly goal! I already have a few ideas on what the next one will be, but for now, I want to focus on this one. I’ve said a few times already that I didn’t intend for this goal to be what it turned out to be. I decided on this goal before the lockdowns started and set it when I still expected stuff to go back to normal relatively quickly. Now, on one hand I feel like I “wasted” this goal on a year that itself was wasted. On the other, I feel like it wasn’t what I planned but it was what I needed. For April, I think it’ll be refocused into the job search as well as my creative endeavors. I’ve taken enough time off from my novels that I feel like I can start the editing process on the first one from last year’s NaNo. So there’s that!
If we were having coffee I’d tell you, that I also have an update on my 2021 goal of positivity. I feel like with each passing month it’s getting easier to practice this goal! In general it’s because of the weather, I’m sure of that. But also I am getting closer to qualifying for the vaccine! Everyone around me is already getting it and I feel so left out. Although I am having the time of my life teasing my friends and asking them if their 5G hotspot has kicked in yet from the “chip” LOLOLOLOL. (They said no that’s the second dose and that’s why they’re my friends!) I know the vaccine isn’t magical so it’s not going to magically make my life completely normal the instant I get it, but it is something that will give me a peace of mind and I think it will lift my spirits when I finally get vaccinated. Plus, it’ll open up my life so much anyway since I’ll feel safe to do something as simple as taking the train into Chicago again! I’ve missed my city so much.
So that’s what I would share if we were having coffee together this month. Nothing too groundbreaking but it’s so nice to have these chats nonetheless.
Thanks for reading!
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