starringpamela

My Mental Health Story (Mental Health Awareness Month) – #BirthMay Day 27

Hi everyone! Today’s post, I’m talking all about my experiences with mental health, mostly anxiety.

May is mental health awareness month, and while I missed mental health awareness week earlier this month, I still wanted to add my own story in here. I want to thank Elsie for sharing her story and inspiring me and encouraging me to share my own story.

A few quick points before I go on. May is coming to an end, which means #BirthMay is as well. I decided to blog every day in May to celebrate my birthday (May 12th) and really enjoyed it. I’ll be sad to see it end!

Also, I am by no means an expert or professional in mental health. I can only talk about my experience and what I’ve learned during my journey. I’ve also never been diagnosed so this is only my best guess based on the research I’ve done.

Now back to the matter at hand.

This post is very strange for me to write. While I don’t try to hide that I’ve suffered from anxiety, I haven’t made a post specifically about it either. This is the first! And this is for a few reasons. The first is that I feel bad if I talk about it because I eventually have to say that I haven’t had a panic attack or felt overwhelmingly anxious in nearly two years. I feel bad because I know there are people who are going through anxiety all the time or at the very least right now. Am I a jerk for talking about my experience with anxiety even though I haven’t had a panic attack in two years? I sure do hope not.

The next is something Elsie and I talked a bit about in the comments of her post. I have avoided this subject many times because I worry it’ll cause my anxiety to return full force. I only mention it causally and I no longer read articles and other posts about it (unless someone I follow writes about it). I also have a lot of videos saved in my “watch later” YouTube playlist about anxiety that I have avoided watching as well. On one hand I know this is bad in case it does come back, and I do expect it to. I would love to watch the videos or read the articles so I feel more prepared to handle it when it comes. Yet I still avoid it. Anyone else feel that way?

So about my anxiety. It all started in March of 2015, or at least that’s when I had my first panic attack and I really realized what was going on. I was on a crowded train to Chicago over St. Patrick’s Day weekend and I suddenly felt like I had to get off the train. I was getting off the next stop anyway but I needed off now. Because I couldn’t get off the train I started panicking. I spent the rest of the weekend in the city fearful of another panic attack, and even had to skip brunch and wait outside the restaurant for everyone. Then when it was time to go back onto a train, the place where I had been for my first panic attack I stalled and took a later train just to try and avoid it a little longer.

From then until about November perhaps of 2015 I continued to have daily panic attacks and extreme nausea as as result of the anxiety. I could not go a day without having to run to the bathroom with nausea and even carried plastic bags everywhere with me just in case I felt sick and couldn’t find a bathroom or if I was driving to work and couldn’t stop because I would be late (I was working in a customer service call center at the time so I couldn’t be late at all). It was hard to go places and plan things for nearly the entire year because I didn’t know what kind of state I’d be in. I got a haircut and the lady probably thought I was nervous to get my hair cut when I was just nervous that I would have a panic attack in the chair! And it was tough because I had just finished my year of “trying new things”. If you have read my year 26 post, I make a yearly goal every year for my birthday. But as a result of my anxiety that year my new yearly goal because “do more of what makes me happy”. This did seem to help and I even braved the train again and continue to do so without a problem.

Luckily I did have awesome people surrounding me. Remember that brunch I went to? It was actually for a friend’s birthday. All our other friends there had studied or were studying psychology in school, so they understood I couldn’t help it and wasn’t pretending or anything. Their support helped me so much. That friend and I had a falling out so I never see any of them anymore (and don’t intend to, I’m not worried about it) but that was very nice of them. My parents and sister tried to help out as best they could although my parents really aren’t that aware of mental health to begin with. They’re super old school but they try and that counts for me. And I will say that ever since that friend and I had a falling out I haven’t had a panic attack so I don’t mind.

I suppose I have always felt that I seemed to be more anxious about life than many of my peers. I was constantly worried about the day, before school or during the day. I thought sweating and a pounding heart was normal and just adjusted best as I could. But of course gradually I started to become aware that it may not be. I remember once I came across a Facebook friend’s status where her therapist suggested her nausea in the morning was connected to her anxiety about the day to come and I remember thinking that was interesting because I’d always had nausea in the morning but thought that was normal. Somehow I still ignored it and didn’t think much of it until I started having panic attacks and remembered it years later. And that level of anxiety that I thought was so normal before is my current level of anxiety now. Constantly worried but making it through each day.

That’s why I still say I have anxiety. Because even if I’m not having panic attacks every day I still think about it all the time and worry every day that I’ll have another. I have not had a single day in the past two years where the fear of another panic attack doesn’t linger in the background of all my thoughts. Luckily I have found a few things help me. I step outside away from people if I can. I always carry earbuds because I am very receptive to music and it calms me down. This is the most reliable thing I’ve found that helps me.

Something I haven’t quite figured out if I did experience or not is depression. In February of 2013 I graduated a semester early from college. I didn’t even look for a job, to be honest. My whole college experience had been stressful and I really needed a break. I remember school fondly and have great memories of my school but overall I was just burnt out. However I remember I was just feeling overwhelmingly uninterested in life and experiencing new things. I never wanted to leave the house, was always tired, and just felt hopeless. I honestly didn’t do much at all during the next few months until I finally forced myself to get a retail job in a department store nearby. That was honestly all I could handle and that ended up really helping me. I haven’t felt the same since though, so I don’t know if it was or not.

May is nearly over but even outside of the month, awareness can still be spread. Elsie did her post as part of a tag for mental health awareness week/month, and left her nominations open, so I’ll do the same. If you’re interested in sharing your story, please do, and tag me so I can read it!

If you are suffering from mental health problems, don’t feel like you can’t talk about it! You can find support in your family, friends, mental health professionals, or even your fellow bloggers. I’m always available if anyone wants to chat, and even though I’m not a professional I will listen. You can reach me at starringpamela@gmail.com or reach out through my social media. Whichever you want! The more we talk about it and talk openly, I do believe that we can break apart the stigmas.

Of course, ultimately we are not the mental illness we live with. It’s only a small part of us and we can get through it.

If you’ve read my entire post, thank you! I know it was long. I ended up having a lot to say. And funnily enough, instead of making my anxiety worse, I think it actually helped! (Thank you Elsie, you were totally right.)

Thanks for reading!

Pamela

28 comments

  1. I have always suffered from anxiety but after having a child it escalated a LOT! I had a mix of postpartum depression/anxiety on top of my regular anxiety and it started manifesting in physical symptoms. You talking about how you had to carry a bag with you because of nausea reminds me of how I felt… I was very dizzy and nauseous, to the point where I went to the hospital thinking I was very ill with something. When they told me it was just anxiety I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t even see straight enough to drive! I started taking medications for it and within a few weeks evened out quite a bit. I still struggle but not nearly that bad. I like when bloggers talk about their struggles with anxiety because I think it lets people know that they are not alone and there is a support system here for them if they need it!!

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    • Thank you for sharing! I agree, it does help to read what others have done through and not feel alone. If only I’d had a blog back then I think I would have been able to understand it better and quicker! I’m glad you’re feeling better now and I wish you the best! 💖

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story Pamela! This was really interesting to read. I find that writing things down really does help. I have had similar feelings of anxiety, especially in college. I would be feeling stressed, and being in crowds, or on buses/trains (somewhere enclosed), I don’t know if I ever had a panic attack, but I did get that tight feeling in the chest, and my eyes would have trouble focusing so things got blurry, and sometimes sounds would get louder, then quieter. I would just retreat into myself till I could get off, then sit down for a bit. It never got worse than that, but I always have that fear in the back of my head that it might happen again. Music helps me calm down too.

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    • Thank you as well for sharing yours Angela! I’m glad we both find comfort in music. Breathing exercises never seemed to work for me but music always helped. I would always feel so overwhelmingly panicky and I remember trying to enjoy a convention but constantly on edge because there were so many people. Crowds in general freak me out and with a high level of anxiety mixed in I was freaking out the whole day! I do better now in crowds and make sure to keep an eye out for the exits, just in case because I’m always worried it’ll set the panic off again.

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  3. This was so brave of you to write and I’m sooo proud of you for not only writing it but having to go through it for so long and finding things like music to help you cope today. You’re not a jerk for writing about your past in light of helping others and yourself! 😊💗

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  5. This was really brave of you to write. I imagine it can be intimidating to share something so personal and intense over the internet.

    I once dated a girl with an anxiety disorder. She ended up ending the relationship. Perhaps because of her anxiety. (She never properly explained)

    This gives me a picture of what she might have gone through.

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  6. This post is amazing, good on you girl(: I do have a question though, because I have anxiety as well and am curious, how did you take it when you were diagnosed? (Personally, I didn’t do so hot unfortunately)

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    • Thank you!!! I actually haven’t been diagnosed officially. I had lots of friends who were psychology majors and they kinda “confirmed” it for me but didn’t actually say so haha. I probably wouldn’t take it that well even though I know it’s a thing. It was definitely tough once I realized what was going on. I didn’t want to admit it at first and I think that’s why I never really sought out help but after I started experiencing panic attacks constantly, that’s when I started to look for what was really going on.

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  7. Hi
    I felt the need to comment on your doubts about whether you’d be a jerk for talking about anxiety, not having had an attack for two years.
    I applaud every attempt of people opening up about mental illnesses and awareness. In my mind, it does not matter, if you have recovered (in fact, it should inspirere and give hope). I am on a road to a diagnosis myself, and I actually thought about the same things, just in advance, so to speak. Would people take it seriously, when a diagnosis was not yet set? But the path towards that, I felt was important too. My doctor/psychiatrist says I am somewhere within a spectrum from personality disorder and schizophrenia, and anxiety is one of my main symptoms. Time will tell, where she finally puts me. But even now, I have met and read about to many misguided opinions, caused by stigma, and I believe that whatever we can do to create awareness and knowledge of our illnesses, well, it must be done. We need debate about health care, even in Denmark, where I am from, to de-mystify mental illnesses. So thank you so much for your post. Thank you for opening up and being brave. I wish you all the best. Linda

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    • Thank you very much for your support and for your comment Linda. You are also very brave to share this and I thank you for sharing your story with me. I never thought of it from that perspective, and I will certainly keep that in mind going forward! I do hope you get your diagnosis and find a way to manage and eventually overcome it as well. Thank you again and best wishes to you. And if you ever want to reach out and chat, please know I’m here for you!

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  8. I loved this post!! From someone who has panic and anxiety disorder you can’t live in fear of when the next one will happen. If you do you can drive yourself bananas 🍌. Also thank you for the gesture a week ago to talk at work about my panic attacks I was having the entire day. It’s nice when you work with caring amazing co workers

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    • Anytime Michelle! You just let me know and I’m there for you!! I agree, those few months I was in such a bad state daily, I don’t know how I got through it because I was just exhausted from constant fear and anxiety. Glad that’s behind me and I hope it stays there! And I know because I love my caring amazing co workers! (Aka you! And the others haha!)

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  9. Hi there – thank you for sharing this really brave post about your experiences! I had my first panic attack in 2014, and since then have improved a lot – but you’re right it’s the fear of having another that can be the worst! I hope you are well, and I can’t wait to see what else you post!

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing, Pamela. You’re not a jerk for sharing just because you haven’t had an attack yesterday. I loved that you shared so it proves that anxiety is beatable for long periods of time.
    I can’t do concerts. I won’t do concerts. I’ve been to two and had a panic attack similar to yours on the train both times. I cried and pulled on strangers’ coat tails to carry me out of the crowd.
    I also wake up nauseous every morning and I had no idea why. I’ve looked it up so many times but couldn’t find any answers. I went with the hormone change explanation but it didn’t make sense because I wake up nauseous every single morning. I am so glad I took the time to read this post of yours. I finally have answers for morning nausea. Being anxious for the day makes a ton more sense. I also sweat and have a fast heart beat all.the.time. but I just ignore it and let my armpits drip, lol.

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    • Thanks Hunida! I totally understand the concerts thing. Trains are possibly the worst places for panic attacks because you can’t escape until it finally gets you to where you need to go!
      Yeah once I understood the morning nausea was because of anxiety it slowly went away! I still get it occasionally but I’m much, much better now. When I’m on vacation or traveling though it comes back because I’m so stressed since so many things could go wrong but I try my best to ignore it. I still haven’t escaped the racing heart and sweaty armpits but that’s just normal life now!

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      • I’ve never been on a train! I think I would hate them, too, if they were super crowded. When I was at the concerts, I panicked because I thought I’d never be able to get out until the concert ended but luckily, the strangers were kind to me both times and crowd-surfed me to the front.
        I don’t think my morning nausea will go away even though I know what’s causing it now. Ugh. Yeah, it’s just normal life for me now, too, lol and I love coffee even though it heightens my anxiety by a ton.

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